Five Attempts (Alt)

Lyrics

split while I
was a baby
while my brothers remember a family

I remember knocking on the door
broke before my memory so I couldnt even mourn

my brothers got the family photos and I got weekend walks
weekdays with Mum weekends at yours
but childhood should be love not guessing
if a parents gonna open their door

man, you moved down the street and to me that made absence obscene and I couldnt see why could I never get to see you when theres just a few roads in between
an it seemed raising another mans kids made the role finally fit while your own had to beg to visit just to prove he exists
and every time we talked as a teen started with me at your gate
not you ringing me or making the date
your wife hated me and couldnt hide what the hate was
her son called you dad despite me correcting him more than once

and she treated those words like I lied and like Id broken the spell
and made you think I was a threat
cos the truth didnt hide the lies
she tried to tell

well, if she wouldnt have tried and replace me with her cunt of a son, maybe we wouldnt have had this mess
Id say its funny, but it wasnt funny that I was the outsider at my own dads address
lived close enough to visit but you were never allowed to check
but to be honest, I dont even blame you for the rest

Five Attempts
no excuse left
five kids carrying five very different versions of neglect
dad went mostly missing though he lived down the road
mum made every child pay for the fuck ups she chose
dont call us difficult
admit it
by the fifth you shouldve learnt to raise your kids, shit

Mum spent more hours drinking than knowing her sons
then drank like just being present meant the parenting was done
couldnt leave a bar without finding a fight at the end of the night
any exit was my target cos I knew the taxi home carried spite

different man every christmas each purchasing presents
we unwrapped their auditions that were never filled with affection
three husbands
four engagements
put the vows on repeat
at fourteen
throwing grown men into the street

your sons were just security for an adult
you created every fallout then called it our fault

new blokes learning our names bought you peace for a week
then they vanished while you rewrote why they chose to leave

you called it love cos a stranger spent money on you
I saw another temporary housemate that would be gone soon
we wasnt raised by stability, merely managing your mess
a child lonely as fuck while you drank through the best

Five Attempts
no excuse left
five kids carrying five very different versions of neglect
dad went mostly missing though he lived down the road
mum made every child pay for the fuck ups she chose
dont call us difficult
admit it
by the fifth you shouldve learnt to raise your kids, shit

fifteen, Dartmoor, missing Mark more by the days as they pass
b and B, visiting his prison to see him 24 behind glass
you used it as a chance, to finally fucking talk about the fact that im having a baby so should have been telling me I needed to grow up fast, but the bitch pitch for me to ditch to Newquay
telling me to disappear start life somewhere new please

I say no, so you screw face, get wasted, nothing new
and take your anger downstairs to the bar with you

next thing grown men are at the door looking for me
cos you raked nails through faces till they bleed
then told them the room where your sons asleep
The Hotwife talked them out of swinging to keep blood off the floor
then you tell me that you hate me and im a disgrace cos I wouldnt fight a war that was uncalled for

told me I was just like Antony, like that meant shame
but Antony was my idol so it just landed as praise
I wanted to be like him, calm and funny
not full of harm and just full of your rage

you were pissed up
I was fifteen but
still parented you
thats just what shit was

call me a disgrace but heres the part you forgot
I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen fixing your fights with guys that you caused cos you were always acting a cunt

one locked up three times in 10 years
one you barely know cos you treated him with cruelty whenever he got close
one trained to call you a queen cos he knew anything different had a price
one moved abroad so your problems didnt fuck up his life
then me, number five
with the trouble laid out
five children
five different methods of wearing us down

Dad your crime was simple you could have but wouldnt
but I still felt love from a distance in the pits of my stomach
mum, yours was way worse
you thought you was tough
thought your dickhead behavior was funny
but in reality every body got punished

dont try rewrite history like this shit doesnt live with me cos your arse is getting frail
I was the witness of this shit and not just the failing detail in your weak tale

you say sacrifice your sons
we lived the cost
you didnt lose your children
we all fucking escaped what you caused

Five Attempts
no excuse left
five kids carrying five very different versions of neglect



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